“Nothing destroys a child’s faith like child abuse does.” Victor Vieth

A couple of years ago, I was fortunate to attend a two-day training for faith communities put on by child abuse expert and former child abuse prosecutor, Victor Vieth. This training was eye-opening in so many ways, specifically in relation to faith. I was shocked to learn how perpetrators use a child’s faith to abuse them and manipulate those around them, like using the concepts of forgiveness and healing to their cruel advantage.

I realized at that training that it doesn’t matter if you are religious or even if faith is important to you, it is vital for everyone to understand how abuse is directly impacted by faith. Let’s discuss some of the most important ways you can stop abuse in your faith community and truly support survivors.

What is one of the top traits most abusers share?

During this training, I learned that child sexual abusers span all genders, socio-economic statuses, religions, and nationalities. So what is one of the top traits most abusers share?

93% of abusers claim to be religious.

After I heard this, I instantly remembered many horrific child abuse cases in which this fact was true. Larry Nassar was a renowned gymnastics doctor who abused hundreds of children that he was supposedly ‘treating’. Nassar was known as a faithful Catholic and was a catechist and a eucharistic minister. I even remember hearing that Nassar had the rosary with him during his sentencing, supposedly praying.

This case is not unique. There are millions of more terrifying stories just like this of child abusers using their claimed faith to abuse sometimes even hundreds of children.

Too often people assume a person of faith or a churchgoer means they couldn’t possibly be an abuser. The truth is there is nothing that ‘proves’ someone is not a child abuser. In fact, if the accused claims to be religious, it actually means they share one of the top traits of most child sexual abusers.

Is it just religious leaders who abuse?

You may have heard the horrific stories of abuse in the Catholic Church and other faith communities, but don’t be fooled into thinking that only religious leaders use faith to abuse.

The majority of perpetrators are not religious leaders — but the majority of perpetrators use religion to abuse.

Child sexual abuse is about power and control. How do perpetrators get that power and control from religion? By using faith-based messages such as obedience, forgiveness, sin, guilt, and shame against an innocent child.

It’s important to understand that abusers will completely distort a child’s faith to abuse them by weaponizing a child’s innocence, trust, love, and faith.

Most of us cannot fathom being cruel enough to use a child’s faith to abuse them, but perpetrators of child sexual abuse will cross even the most sacred boundary, and they will do the inconceivable to harm a child.

In recent years, so much child abuse at the hands of clergies, youth ministers, etc. has been brought to light. It is crucial for us to bring awareness to this and demand change, but you also need to know that the majority of perpetrators use faith to abuse — not just religious leaders.

Should you tell a survivor to forgive their abuser?

So many survivors of child sexual abuse reach out to their faith community for help, but all too often they are met with the advice to have compassion and mercy for the perpetrator and to forgive. While many might have good intentions with these messages, they are some of the most harmful things you could say to a survivor. Here’s why.

Many abusers tell their victims they must forgive them for the abuse or the victim is not a good ‘Christian’, person of faith, etc. So if you pressure or require a survivor to forgive their abuser, you’re probably telling them the same thing their abuser told them. Therefore, from the survivor’s perspective, you may be no better to them than their abuser.

Most survivors sadly feel somehow responsible for the abuse, so it is important to talk to the survivor about justice and righteousness — not forgiveness.

This rarely happens though. For example, in the Bible, Jesus warns abusers that it is better for a millstone to be hung around their neck and cast into the sea than for anyone to hurt a child. This correct message rightfully gives all of the support to survivors and condemns abusers. Sadly, these verses are rarely heard from the pulpit in most Christian churches.

While you may be telling the survivor they need to forgive with the intention of helping the survivor keep their faith, you may be the one actually destroying it.

The worst thing you could do is give the survivor the same message their abuser gave them. The survivor needs to know that forgiveness is not a requirement after abuse. They need to know the abuser lied, was wrong, and will be held accountable.

Do survivors need to forgive themselves?

Nearly every day, I see social media posts or hear people saying that victims of abuse and trauma are responsible for forgiving themselves. It makes me so angry that survivors are actually seeing these messages because while it is crucial for survivors to know they don’t need to forgive their abuser, it is equally important for survivors to know that they don’t need to forgive themselves. Why?

Because the survivor didn’t do anything wrong.

Perpetrators make their victims feel complicit in the abuse. Perpetrators tell innocent children the most unconscionable things to make them feel responsible for the abuse. Survivors need to be told that those were lies, and they need to hear the truth — that they were in no way responsible for what happened to them. They need to know there is a difference between ‘sinning’ and being the victim of ‘sin’. They need to hear that God condemns the actions of the abuser, not the victim.

You need to know that if you tell a survivor to forgive themself, you’re likely reinforcing the lies their abuser told them, that the survivor ‘sinned’ or did something wrong.

Instead, tell them the truth, that whatever the survivor did or didn’t do was the right thing at that moment given what they were facing. They survived the unimaginable, and that needs to be honored not forgiven.

Why Is Abuse So Prevalent In Faith Communities?

Abuse can be found in every faith community, yet these same faith communities often fail to denounce that abuse. Why? Because everyone likes to think they would oppose child abuse and defend the survivor, but the truth is they rarely follow through with that when the abuser is someone they know. In these cases, most people actually rally around the offender and ostracize the victim. They try to find some understandable explanation for why the abuser would commit their crimes because they just cannot believe the abuser could be so cruel.

And, of course, perpetrators know this. Abusers rely on their faith community to make excuses for them and underestimate how manipulative and dangerous they really are.

Everyone thinks they’re good at lying, so they think they would be able to spot when an abuser is lying or manipulating them. But that’s not true, and most of us are not as good at lying as we think we are.

Abusers, however, are masters at lying.

They have been lying their whole lives and do it effortlessly. Perpetrators count on people giving them the benefit of the doubt over trusting the words of a child.

Many faith communities have unfortunately proven to abusers that they will be easily manipulated into taking the side of the perpetrator, not the victim. Even if abuse is ‘proven’, perpetrators know all they have to do is cry or mouth the words of sorrow or repentance, and they will be forgiven. We constantly read stories about courtrooms filling up with people supporting the abuser — not the victim. Many of these perpetrators then claim to have ‘repented’ and claim to be ‘saved’. They then horrifically will be allowed to lead services and programs to ‘help’ other abusers find ‘salvation’. But of course, perpetrators only use this to keep abusing.

Abusers need to be silenced, not given a microphone.

Worse of all, perpetrators can always find other perpetrators that are willing to hide their crimes to protect themselves, protect the community’s reputation, and protect the community’s finances. Why is abuse so prevalent in faith communities? Because too often these communities are more concerned with offering mercy and forgiveness to the abuser than they are in holding them accountable.

They are more concerned with protecting the community’s reputation than protecting the victims.

What should you take away from this?

There are so many ways that religious faith affects child sexual abuse, and unfortunately, it is usually for the worst. If you’re anything like me, then you want to do everything you can to change that.

The best way to truly support survivors in your faith community is to be trauma-informed, which means understanding how abusers use a child’s faith to harm them, and how you can prevent further pain with how you talk to survivors about their abuse.

It’s so important to know that abusers like to be known as faithful, moral, and virtuous. One of the top traits most abusers share is that they claim to be religious, and they use their declared faith to gain the community’s trust and abuse children. It happens in every community and it happens every day, so never ignore a perpetrator’s crimes just because you’ve always seen them as a fellow devoted person of faith. Abusers will use that against you.

A child telling you they are a victim of abuse is one of the most horrid and confusing things you could hear, and the best thing you could do in that moment is make sure the survivor knows they have 100% of your support, and that you will do everything you can to protect and defend them.

When it comes to the child’s journey after the abuse, it is crucial to support the survivor’s choices when healing, not tell them they need to forgive their abuser.

Forgiveness is personal, it’s up to the survivor, and despite popular faith-based messages, forgiveness is not required for ‘healing’.

Remember that survivors never need to forgive themselves because they didn’t do anything wrong.

If faith is important to you, it needs to be a trauma-informed faith. How faith leaders respond to a survivor can make or break the child’s faith. For many survivors, their faith can withstand the abuse, but they leave their faith because of the reaction they receive from the community. Instead of having compassion for the abuser, you need to make sure the survivor knows they are worth whatever it takes to protect them.

Send the clear message to child sexual abuse survivors that this is their church, and we don’t tolerate perpetrators.

The main takeaway is this,

If faith is important to you, you need to know how abusers use faith to abuse. If faith is not important to you, you need to know how abusers use faith to abuse.

Above all, believe, protect, defend, and respect the survivor.

(Addendum: These are obviously only a few points from a two-day training that I can’t recommend highly enough not just for faith communities, but really it is important for anyone working with children. Click here for more information. Click here to read: When Faith Hurts: The Spiritual Impact of Child Abuse)

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you have found value, education, and empowerment in this article. Become a paid subscriber to support my work and gain access to every article I write here at Defend Survivors With Paula!